I’m at the zoo, sitting on a long bench, when I hear a strange noise next to me. 

My kids went into the playground, so I took a seat and started catching up on the football scores. Then I hear a choking noise. 

On the other end of the bench, there’s a boy. He’s bending over and touching his chest with his hand. 

He spits something on the ground. It looks yellow. 

Then he throws up. Once. Twice. 

“Are you alright, dude?” I ask. 

He gives me a thumbs up, but he looks a bit off. 

“Here, drink some water.”

He drinks and gives me back the bottle. I leave it there on the bench. 

A little bit later his dad comes over, I tell him what happened, and he takes the kid away. 

The vomit stays. A fist-sized yellow puddle, with what look like red lumps in it. It’s not pretty. 

I’m about to leave the bench, when a family comes over to sit where the boy was. 

“Careful, someone vomited there,” I tell them. They look down, make a face, and go away. 

The same thing happens again. And again. And again. 

At some point I can’t be bothered telling people anymore, so I just wave at them, point down, and they leave. 

Then I see a couple of goths making their way to the bench. I try to catch their attention, but they don’t look around, so I say, “Careful.” 

They don’t hear me. I say it again, a little louder. Still nothing. 

When the closest one is inches away from stepping on the puddle, I just about shout, “Careful!”

She looks at me. Then she looks down. When she looks back up, I expect her to look grateful, but she… doesn’t. 

She looks angry. Very angry. At me. 

I think of saying something like “Hey, I didn’t do it, I'm just warning you” but when she stomps away, what I actually say is, 

“Next time you can step on the vomit, goth!” 

I immediately feel guilty about it. I look around to see if anyone heard me, but it doesn’t seem like it. 

That wasn’t nice of me, I know.  

But, if I’m honest… 

I really meant it 🫣

It’s not uncommon, but… 

As annoyed as I got that day, I know that goth’s reaction isn’t unique: it’s pretty common wanting to shoot the messenger. Not because we don’t like the message itself (though that can be true), but because of the way it’s delivered. 

A good friend of mine was giving a talk to technical folks once, and she pointed out how little their expertise might actually count compared to how well they communicate about their work. That shouldn’t have been particularly controversial–especially from a speaker brought in to improve people’s communication skills!–but they weren’t happy to hear it. She meant “there’s all this room for improvement,” but what they heard was “what I’m actually good at counts for very little.”

Hard truths are rarely comfortable to hear, for sure… but we don’t need to make them harder. 

…You can do better

Just stating your message might work, but in effect you're saying, “This is the truth.” That’s pretty definite, and it leaves no room for anything else. Agree with all of it, or none of it. That approach makes it more likely your audience will push back–either because they don’t agree with you, or because they don’t want to.

But when you tell someone, “This is what happened to me. This is what I’ve learned,” you give them a chance to go, “Hm, that’s interesting. That hasn’t been my experience. But I wonder if…” 

When the truth you have to share is hard, it can help to deliver it softly. To let people slowly come around to it. 

That’s where stories come in. They let you share your truth, which leaves way more room for anyone who's willing to listen. No need to drag them kicking and screaming to where you are: extend the invitation, and they'll come over on their own.

And, if you pick the right story… 

It might even work with angry goths 🤘

-Francisco 

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